You can't run away

When I was a little girl, about the age of three, or four, I was sprinkled with water at Trinity Lutheran Church, I remember the day, I remember the dress, I remember all our family and friends, I remember my cousin and I shopping for the bonnets and frilly tights, and I even remember meeting my God Parents Stan and Gretchen. Little did I know that that day would be a day that I referred back to so many years later. I did not realize the commitment that I was making at such a young age, to ask Jesus into my heart and to be my savior. What a awesome gift was being bestowed upon me, just a toddler. Through the years I have thought, what do I have to offer the Kingdom of the Lord? Why would he save me? Could there really be a point, a reason to the rhyme that had become my life? So many heartaches. Would my God, that I gave my life to so many years before really be doing this to me? Yet, over and over again, I got baptized, 3 times total I believe. Every single time, I would leave the church and go out into the world, thinking I got this. Yet, years, or months even later I would come back to the church, my tail between my legs. Then at 18, something amazing happen, I received a gift I did not even know I could have. While at church one beautiful spring Sunday afternoon, I once again gave my life to God, but this time, he gave me something undeniable in return; the Holy Spirit. He filled me that day with his spirit. I walked out of the church feeling like I was encased in a bubble, that nothing could penetrate. ALL the pain, the abandonment, the fear, the worry, the ache, left me in a split second of surrendering to the blood of Jesus. Yet, I went home that night and continued in my worldly ways, well, actually first I went home determined to finally read the bible...for about a half a minute, before I found someone to go have a drink with me, among other things. (yes, I was going to the bar at 18)  But, ever since that day at 4 years old, when that water hit my head, I knew God had a purpose for my life. Although I spent more years denying it then I want to admit, I did just that DENY DENY DENY!! It is scary to try and live your life by his will, for him, through him, with him. I wanted to believe that I could love God, but in my own way, I wanted to believe I could have a relationship with him but on my own terms. I have said many times before "My walk with God is just that MY walk with God" and I thought that meant that no one could dictate to me what that meant or what that looked like, and then BAM! One day the Lord asked me "why are you better then I?" I was mortified, why would he say that? I responded, Lord I am not better!! How could I be? You are the Alpha and the Omega! The end all and the be all, never would I even come close to you Lord." Then he asked, "Then why do you to get decide what your walk with me looks like? Why do you decide when you come to me? Why do you decide where it is ok to speak my name?" I about passed out, partly in amazement, and partly in horror! Because when I thought about it, he was right, who was I to decide such things? I gave my life to him, and yet I still want to be in control? I want to decide how I walk with him? When it is he who makes those decisions, not I. I have wasted so much time, seeking guidance, yet never willing to listen. I spent over half my life running away from where he is trying to take me. Saying "Gee Lord thanks for the advice I will take that into consideration." So, I am here to tell you all, if you have at one point in your life you surrendered your heart to the Lord, asked for him to be your Savior and live in your heart forever more, no matter how fast you run, he will always be 1000 steps ahead, no matter where you hide, he know you, and sees your heart. If you gave your life to him, then it is his, you can deny it all you want, you can make your own decisions until you are blue in the face, but ignoring his presence will not chase him away! My advise to you, is let him do his will! Because when you lay it all down and give it to him, he will do better then you could have ever dreamed on your own.